Saturday, December 8, 2012

When I feel alone and lonely

I didn't update anything on last month. I'm not so busy also but my life a bit messed lately. I also don't have mood to study, maybe because I feels like I'm old and I think I need to do something else other than go to university. That's the disadvantage of ex-diploma student when they take their degree. They older than student from matriculation and form 6. Well, at least about 1 year.

This semester, I always stay at my room and be alone all the time. I have friends but I also need a space. I don't know. Carlson also not really the same nice, care and polite guy like I ever known long time ago. People changed and I need to take more time to accept the new them.

I can deal with someone who trying to hurt my physical, I can punch and kick them back. But I can't fight my own feelings and I can't fight someone who trying to play with my emotion. I just don't know how to fight back! I just don't understand why nowadays I feel so hard with everbody around me, I feel stress with myself, I can't even think rational nor trying to find the answer of my problems. Everything is so wrong! Am I bipolar person?

I feels like I need someone who I can trust always be with me, even my family hard to contact, because we only call when each of us need something to tell. I miss to be a happy person, be talkative and surrounded by friends but I'm scare that I might lose them if what I did is just make them feel annoying with my existence. I miss Kak Mal at the same time, she's the one who can guide me back to my happy life.

University life and my personal life, both killing me slowly. the more I feel I'm getting old, the more I see other people who need to be selfish, busy with their own life and their happiness. I don't blame them. That's people, selfish is their part of life. But, sometimes I just can't act like that. It is just make me look so guilty, but If I care about other people, I feels like I am an idiot.


encik cool said...

biasalah tu kalau org lain buat hal masing2..kita kalau terus keseorangan meme bosan dok!!apa lagi enjoy le..buat aktiviti berfaedah hingga perasaan terubat dan tidak terganggu..

Aliana AB said...

thanks en. cool =)