Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Who's Carlson?

This entry is special about one guy name Carlson anak Nejea, Bidayuh Bau from Sibuluh. If you search this with his full name, you will find my blog then. By the way, you guys must wondering why I did this, why I so damn dare sharing his story here. For your information, I'm not showing my boyfriend, I'm showing a guy who make my life become something that hard for me to describe.

Its been 6 years I know him. He was born on 2nd February 1991 which is 2 years younger than me. He was studied at Matang jaya Kindergarten, then continued at SK Matang Jaya before he go to SMK Matang Jaya. After that, he studied his form 4 at SM Vokasional Matang and further his study at Matang Polytechnic. He only have one big sister, big brother and youngest sister which are Clancy, Cosmo and Annie.

His big sister, Clancy with her grumpy face (even though Carlson said to me that she was once happy-go-lucky person) was made her "big" mistake and become one of problematic child to their parent because she was pregnant with child out of wedlock, with her Kayan boyfriend named Micheal. To me, having a baby before married is not a big problem but we all knows that what will happen when we are living in a religious country. His big brother, Cosmo is his bestfriend at the same time. But Carlson ever said to me that he always became a black sheep to their parent and put Cosmo as their most beloved son instead of Carlson. He told how bad he was treated by his parent when he was a little kid. Poor. While his youngest sister is overindulged child by their family. I wonder if they know the true stories about their childrens excluded Carlson. I mean, naked pictures? sex and dated? RM10 girls and clubbing? marriage problems? Nay, not my business.

Carlson always shared to me a lot of his stories about him and his family, about double standard treatment that he was received. I used to cried and make myself promise that I will not treat him bad as long as he don't treat me worst. When it comes with money, I always there to backup what he need since his dad used to complained Carlson is one of their son who wasted a lot of their money. Amazingly, they are more loaded than me and my family. But I don't mind. As a bad person, I still care to help someone, be tolerated as much as possible. I don't need to go pray to make me become someone nice and pure heart.

I appreciated Carlson so much, he willing to tell me the real truth about his family especially the sensitive issues. Yes, they hate Islam and Muslims so much! When they knew about my ID written Islam on it, they start threatened Carlson so damn bad especially involving a psychological games. Well, the most touched thing about Carlson. He's changing his mind slowly. You know, he was brainwashed by hating Muslims as they thought those who believe the wrong faith. He used to blame Muslims for any kind of bad behaviors like stealing. All of that accusations originally came from family teachings and I was like, disgusting! But now, he was changed. He started to think that all people are the same, religions just make it worse.

I used to support him when he was down and cried because his mother threatened him about sensitive issues especially about me. But sometimes, I feel that I was played by both of side. Carlson can be suddenly become someone who against me for no reason. He can ignore me for a long time especially when he with his family. I'm not saying that I want 24/7 attention from him, but sometimes when I called him, he'll off his phone and never call me back. The only thing that he dare to do is just texted me silently and took hours for him to reply me back. I started to feel a bit doubt about him. He also used to against me in front of his parent and I have no idea why did he do that. Is he craving for love from his family?

But when he with me, he'll change into a different person. He can be a person who really need someone to help him in anything, just like a beggar ask for money. While when he with his family, he can act like a person who has everything.

Carlson is actually a good guy, he's very generous especially to me SOMETIMES. I just confuse with his characteristic toward different people.  Maybe that's why I can't hold my anger when he did something stupid. Some people will judge about me for being psycho but the true is he's the one who pull the trigger on me. I never did something like that to any other people. Sometimes, I feel really scare when meet someone like him and his family.

I say something like this not because I try to humiliate that family. It is just my preparation to keep something like this in my blog in case anything happen to me. While I'm 100% sure that they're already humiliated me in front of their family members and friends with their made-up stories. Because of what?? Because of blind stories and most important part is.. There's "ISLAM" on my ID. The insecure feeling of Christians to Islam just make me feel sick. The only reason from this issue is they try to prevent their child from converting to Islam and worse, they try to messed up with me assuming that they know everything about me. See, how bad the influences of religion. I'm just a normal freethinker woman and now suddenly become a victim from both side of religions.

Why I still want to be with him?

Because I see there's hope inside him. He can be saved from narrow minded religious people as long as he let me to help him. Even though I'm so scare because I'm all alone, I have my commitment on him. I never say something bad about people. If I truly did, the bad things that I said is damn true based on what Carlson have told me. I hate made-up stories so please.

p/s I wonder why some people who think they are good person but say something bad about the other people?

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