Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Why religion why?

Hi. Nowadays, I feel like I'm so hardworking in updating my own blog, Just so you know, I actually have much free time since I start working after I finished my studied. I really wish that I can put more pictures than a words inside my blog because I;m not type of "too much talking" woman actually. I don't know how do the literary or playing some words. My grammar suck, and I always talk the same thing in the different entries. Not just writing, I also have a problem in talking. sometimes people will ask me to repeat what I'm saying just because they don't understand what I'm trying to say. I don't know how to arrange my words into perefect one sentence.

Okay. Turn to the real topic. If you see the picture in this entry, what's on your mind? I guess many of the people will protest me of course. But, if we dig a deep about that quote, we're actually a toys that have been played until we're broken. That is religion to played us. Here, let me tell you guys about my story. Since I was a little kid, I've been raised by an ordinary family and not so religious. My mother is muallaf (People who convert to Islam). When I start my primary school, I've met my classmates which majority from peninsular because my primary school is in military camp, so you will know if you're malaysian. The worse part is when I have to join religious class. I hate when Ustaz/Ustazah mad at me because I didn't know how to read and say Quran verses in Arab. I used to be humiliated by one Ustaz because I don't know to read Quran in front of my classmates. I have to act like I'm okay even though most of my classmates feel so disgusting when they look at me like that. Ustazah used to copied my "Bismillah" pronunciation in insulting way saying that I'm wrong and humiliate me in front of my classmate. I hate religious class until I willing to skip my Fardu Ain (Another religious extra class in the evening). My dad thought that me and my brothers can learn Islam from school and the school thought that my parent will teach me and brothers Islam before we go to school. But, I'm not interested into that religion.

When I studied at secondary school. I already have quite a lot of Islam knowledge. I learned it everything from school including how to pray, read some Quran verses, memorize them and learn the Islam histories and so on. You know, I became arrogant because my religious level a quite higher than anyone else especiallywhen it comes to exam results. I'm so proud of myself, I condemned those who don't cover their aurah which my own friend and she so damn nice to me and I was treated her like hell. But, the only one that doesn't change me so much is I still hate religious class. I hate when Ustaz/Ustazah tell us about hatred, the bad of jews, or other religions. When I remembered wbout this part, I was actually pretending to be holy because I wanted to have a lot of friends. I willing to memorize all the Arab things just because I need to compete and make my friend proud to have me to be their friend. I feel so hard need to pretend especially when my friends start to talk about religious matter and I was like "Ouh really.." with full of feelings while actually you're not. What if I become myself at that time, they will isolating me!

After that, I've joined the PLKN camp at Sungai Rait Miri. I started to changed into the real me. I've seen so many different kind of people, bad and good person and unluckily I have no bestfriend over there. I do have some friends but already lost their contacts. But, when I remembered again that time, there's so many people always wanted to bring me down and most of them are Malay Muslims. They used to spread story about me that I was possessed by some spirit which 100% I am NOT (maybe because my hair so long until reach to knee, like a ghost they said). Not just a muslim, but people from the other religion also did this to me. How about chinese? They just relax and don;t care about the others.

From that experiences, I started to be friend with Chinese especially during my diploma. Almost all my friends are Chinese. But, I still have to attend one religious class in one semester because its compulsory for those who written Islam in their ID. First time I entered that class, I knew that the Ustaz a nice person. He slowly talk to me to wear hijab during his class ONLY or if I don't want, just put scarf to cover my head. I refused at first but for the sake of my diploma, I have to follow what they ask me to do. But, the only problem in this situation is a group of muslim students in this religious class. They humiliating me in front of the Ustaz and the other classmates, insulting me, tease me like "woman who don't cover their hair will suffer a lot in hell, 1 hair seen by a man equal to 70 years in hell" They said it loudly. You know, got one girl in that muslim group which before, she was a "free hair" girl but now she already cover her aurah, muslim said. But... Her mouth so bitchy and I was thought that "Is that a real muslimah?". I went home and told my non-Muslim friends about how I feel during my religious class, I know they couldn't do anything just put their sympathy on me and start from that, I realize non-muslim people are so nice especially the Christian people.

As I'm getting old, I've finally met a good muslims which from another states and another countries like from Nigeria. I've also met a bad Christian people but never miss to go pray on every weekend and that bad Christian is neither from my age nor my friends. This time, my views changed again. My muslim friends who take same degree with me are so nice and they are not judge type of person while most of my non-Muslim friends hate Islam so much and keep questioning it to me and I was like "Err, I don't know" "Why ask me? LOL" especially when muslims try to suppress the minorities (non-Muslim) in this country. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying they are bad person. The are very nice person actually. I think all of them become like this because of the religions. I've hated from both side you know. The other side hate me because I didn't follow Islam while the other side hate me because my ID written Islam.  The minorities always questioning me, why goverment only want to take many muslims as their employees even though many of them are not qualified while non muslim have to work so much for it. Well, I also not a government servant so please. This is a political matter actually.

Maybe some people will ask, "You don't love Allah anymore?" or "You did this because of Allah or other people?". Well, it is hard to answer because you is you. You know what you like, you know what you believe. You just can't simply follow other people because they said their are right. You know, even history can changed by people. So the religions, because religion is actually an history. People took their time to write in their book, maybe it is already changed. People always fight to prove that their religion is right. That's why we need to teach our children to learn more and more and be open minded, not just follow and do what other people says without thinking why this? why that?

I don't mind if a muslim call me a kuffar, infidel, munafiq, satan and so on. I am who I am, They are what their religion teach them.

Yeah, I know I'm still young and unmatured but I've seen a lot of people, a many different kind of people. I've seen a Christian people convert to Islam because they get married or they just change their belief and I also have seen the Muslim convert to Christian because they're divorced, or simply just change their belief or hate being a Muslim. Believe it or not, because I live in different culturals, multiracials and multireligious. There are also got people who not so religious, but they so into with their race. Also got people who force themselves to believe, got a muslim people who eat pork, drink, or did pre-marital sex, got Christian people who still confuse with their belief which is I think I don't want to judge them because I also don't know how they feel and their situations. The saddest part is, the small childrens were taught to hate the other religions, brainwash them with their parent's experiences. Moreover, there's a lot of articles and news can be reached using internet but make sure they are all valid before we 100% put our trust on.


To me, "religion is not bad, people are" is only a quote with "on the surface" meaning. We become a good person not because religion teach so but because we are the good person. We did it because of our huminity. Those are become good because of religion is actually not so good person. They did it because they want something from their God. At first, I was thought that I'm not religious but when I'm looking into deep about myself, I am not religious, I just don't believe. I'm just different from the others. But I don't condemn who still believe in their faith. I still respect them as long as they don't force to me to do what I'm not suppose to do. I also understand how is actually living in Malaysia who take my freedom away far from me.

p/s Everyone of us must have a different stories and different experiences. Just don't ever said that "i know how you feel" or "I feel the same way as yours..". No! We're still different, I'm different because me is me.

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